Come to think of it, we had agreed to take a walk together.
It seemed she'd been looking for me after I disappeared without a word.
Iris turned around, noticing my footsteps.
"Ah, Ain…. You startled me…. You weren't even in your room…."
Iris approached me with a relieved expression on her face.
"I felt stuffy staying in my room. So I came out a bit early."
"You, you could've told me…. I was worried….
Wh, why was the ashtray broken…?"
If she'd entered the room, she would've naturally seen the fragments too.
I hadn't thought up an excuse, so I made something up on the spot.
"I was carrying it around and my hand trembled."
"Di, did anyone else see…?"
"Only Roxanne."
"Ah, ah…. Roxy…. Then it should be fine…."
Iris sighed and handed me the lantern she'd been holding.
Looking closer in the light, I noticed grass stains all over the hem of Iris's skirt and her shoes.
"…Were you searching for long?"
"N, no…. I just came out…. It, it's late, but shall we walk together…?"
We walked slowly among the trees and flowers illuminated by the lantern I'd taken.
Iris, who'd been walking quietly while looking at the ground, opened her mouth.
"Ain, in your eyes… ho, how did Roxy… seem to you?"
"She seemed lacking.
Honestly, she'd be better off with her shitty temper from before."
"The, the language is a bit crude, but…. I, I agree to some extent…."
"Try talking to her a bit. She was dying to have a conversation."
"Huh, huh? A conversation…? You talked with Roxy…?"
Iris stopped walking with a surprised expression.
"She was asking about you. Whether your leave of absence had anything to do with me."
"Eh? La, lately even when I approach her, Roxy avoids me…."
"Did you two fight or something?"
"We, we haven't had anything to fight about…. She runs away the moment our eyes meet…."
Though not as much as with me, Roxanne had maintained a reasonably good relationship with Iris.
She could've just asked directly instead of hearing it through me.
"She joined the military."
"Y, yeah…. No matter how much Father and Mother tried to stop her…. She wouldn't budge…."
"…She used to go on and on about becoming a knight.
The war's already over anyway, so there's no way to earn merit."
Iris fell silent and started walking again.
"Did she get beaten up in the military or something. This side seems a bit…."
I tapped my temple with my index finger as I said that.
"Sh, she wouldn't…. You shouldn't say things like that…."
"Then you don't know the exact reason either?"
Iris nodded.
Seeing her head bowed, she still seemed worried about Roxanne.
It was when we were entering the mountain path through an archway woven with white flowers.
"Ain…. Um…."
"No."
"You, you didn't even listen…."
"You want me to try talking to Roxanne."
"Is, is it that obvious…?"
"You know full well how much I hate that girl."
"Th, that's true…."
Only the sound of our footsteps echoed in the cooled air.
"You're not pushing as persistently as I expected."
"Like you said, Ain... Ro, Roxy was in the wrong..."
I'd thought the most important value to Iris was 'family.'
Her repeated proposals in my previous life must've been actions hoping I'd become part of the family again.
"And, and…. Right now I'm much more worried about you, Ain…."
"……."
That's why Iris's transformation was all the more remarkable.
…If only from the beginning, before I stabbed my chest with that knife, she had cherished me this much.
The gratitude I would've felt toward her would've been beyond words.
"Could you light this for me? With one arm, I can't do it as well as you."
"O, okay…. Just a moment…."
The cigar I was holding in my mouth was cut by the cutter I'd handed to Iris.
Soon, hot heat and a light smaller than the lantern's transferred from her hand to my lips.
As I exhaled smoke and looked around, this wasn't a place with particularly good memories.
It was the path leading to the middle of the forest where birds gathered, a place I'd often visited with Giselle.
Beyond this point, the path becomes rough and unrefined.
"…I saw Giselle today."
"…What?"
Iris's face, illuminated by the lantern, stiffened instantly.
I approached a tree stump and sat down.
When Iris spoke again, her tone was even colder than her expression.
"Did you go looking for her?"
"Giselle climbed up the tree. She opened the closed window with magic."
"What do you mean…. Didn't you two break up?"
"As you well know, I was the one who got dumped."
"…Then, the ashtray."
"I threw it. At Giselle. Didn't hit her though."
Or maybe I didn't hit her on purpose.
Iris stood still, seeming to think about something.
After a moment, she approached and took the cigar from my mouth, bringing it to her own.
"Mmph…."
A fit of coughing continued for quite a while.
Perhaps from the harsh smoke, small tears had formed in Iris's closed eyes.
However, Iris continued to inhale the smoke as if she didn't care.
Still holding the cigar, Iris sat down beside me and spoke.
"Ain, do you still love Giselle?"
"…No."
My love died long ago.
"You could've hidden it, but why did you bother telling me?"
I pointed to the bumpy dirt path before us.
"Just, coming here reminded me. It's a place I came with Giselle."
"You came here with me too."
"What?"
Iris put the cigar back in my mouth.
The half-remaining cigar was still hot.
The pale pink color from Iris's lips glistened in the lantern light.
"Don't you remember?"
"…Did we come here."
"Ha."
Iris twisted her lips slightly in a disbelieving smile.
An expression she'd never once shown me before.
"You might've forgotten since it was when we were young, but I can't help feeling hurt."
"Sorry. But I really don't remember."
"Yet you can't forget a single thing that happened with Giselle."
"…You seem angry. Could you explain?"
I was flustered seeing Iris suddenly speaking as if reproaching me.
"Well, Giselle was sick, so you just came as a substitute."
Iris said this while picking up a small twig beside her and starting to break it.
"Still, the memory of holding hands and walking together while watching you be happy is a precious memory to me."
"You're speaking well. If only you were always like this…."
I couldn't continue.
Because I met her yellow eyes glaring at me coldly.
After a moment, Iris lowered her gaze to the ground and spoke.
"You know it too, Ain. I dislike Giselle, that girl."
Who would like that personality besides 'Ain' and Giselle's father?
"You don't need to worry.
Except for Count Evergreen, there won't be a single person in this world who likes Giselle now."
"Really? To me, it seems Ain should still be included."
"…Are you going to keep saying that?"
"It's not just memories with Giselle that matter.
How long will you keep being unable to forget, thinking of Giselle with everything you see?"
I spat out the cigar and ran my hand through my hair.
Now anger preceded bewilderment.
I stood up and raised my voice.
The emotions that had been agitated since meeting Giselle burst out unfiltered.
"You think I fucking enjoy remembering?
For over 10 years, every single day…. Whispering I love you, touching, embracing….
No matter how much I try to deceive myself that they're just shitty memories.
The truth is, before I was actually abandoned, Giselle was everything in my life.
I wasted all my time on that goddamn bitch.
But, without meaning to, my body, my head remembers—what am I supposed to do about it?
I told you. I don't love her anymore. I want to forget too.
I want to forget the sight of that ring floating in the darkness before hitting the floor.
But she comes to me. Giselle does. To me, whom she abandoned.
So I remembered, what the hell is wrong with that? Damn it, is this my fault?"
"You forgot the time with me, whom you've known far longer than 10 years."
"It was just one day! There are plenty of memories we shared in the room today too…."
"I can't forget. Whether it's just one day. Or two days.
Not a single day from the 20-some years since you were born."
Iris, still sitting, looked up at me and answered.
Unlike my fury, Iris's voice was calm.
"…What answer do you want to hear? Why are you doing this, really?"
"Why does Ain recall more memories with Giselle than memories with the family beside you?"
Because I'm Ain.
Because I was Ain, programmed to love Giselle.
Would Iris understand if I said that?
"I don't want this either, Iris."
"There are plenty of lovers who forget cleanly no matter how long they dated.
Why can't you do that, Ain?"
"Stop it. My head's about to explode as it is.
I keep telling you it's not my choice."
But Iris's mouth didn't close.
"I dislike Giselle, but I liked Ain who loved Giselle."
"Iris, don't bring up Giselle anymore. I'm warning you."
"Ain, when you loved Giselle, you were radiant.
I secretly envied you when I saw you like that."
"One more word and…."
Before I could finish, Iris stood up and thrust her face toward mine.
"Why did you give that love only to an outsider with no blood relation?
Nothing is more important than family.
Why did you give it only to Giselle, not to the family who stayed by your side for far longer?"
Iris's unwavering yellow eyes filled my vision.
…Why hadn't I realized?
That these eyes weren't merely looking at family, at a younger brother.
"…Do you even know what you're saying right now?"
"I don't want Ain to die.
I don't want to send you back to that house worse than ruins."
"Stop it, Iris."
"So, I'll give you love.
I promise I'll love you far more than Giselle loved you."
"Stop."
"Ain, I'll ask again. Do you still love Giselle?"
"How many more times do I have to answer? No."
Iris's forehead touched mine again.
The heated forehead begins to cool.
"Do you have room to love someone else?"
"……."
"Won't you keep living with me?"
Iris's breath touches my face.
"…What about the family, the relatives you value so much?"
Her hand was gently wrapped around my waist.
"It doesn't matter. I'll make excuses that I called you to give you something to do.
Even promising Roxy ended up… like that.
If I push, Father might not say much either."
Why now?
Not when I needed help more than ever.
Why make such a proposal now, when I'm already torn and unable to love anyone?
How have my two deaths changed Iris?
Did Iris look at me with these eyes before too?
Is it merely that I didn't know?
Could it be that she's mistaking a sense of responsibility for love?
That she's been driven to this sudden confession because she's afraid I'll die?
Naturally, I thought of Mace.
The most painful heartbreak and catastrophe I'd experienced.
"I can't love anyone anymore."
"It's okay. I'm confident because I've been in unrequited love for a long time."
"You can't imagine how broken I'll become."
"That's what family is for. I'll never resent you."
I'm a terribly cowardly person.
Because the desire to escape to someone I can't even love has arisen.
Because I've been swayed once again by Iris's persuasion promising devotion.
Not because I love her like Mace, but because it's okay to break her.
Because I can avoid my responsibility.
Because it feels like I could live for a while without nightmares, as if living in a dream.
Because it feels like I could escape from these tangled thoughts.
Instead of answering, I held Iris's hand resting on me.
Iris, wearing a smile, whispered while still touching foreheads.
"…Your fever seems to have gone down. Let's go out together tomorrow."