Longing

You never truly appreciate what you take for granted until it's gone.

Take cavities, for instance — you only discover the joy of being able to chew food once you've got one.

Or a slipped disc — you only feel how precious your lower back is once it's blown out.

I was no different.

Just how vital and important legs are to a human being.

I had the opportunity to feel that importance in my very bones this time around.

No, seriously — even sitting on the toilet to pee was a struggle.

Because the moment you sit down, your weight naturally shifts onto your thighs.

Which meant I had no choice but to shriek and writhe in agony.

But I couldn't exactly have a tube shoved into my urethra.

The idea of a lovely girl like Leila being subjected to such an undignified spectacle.

All I could do was grit my teeth and endure it, trembling all the while.

*Next time I get injured, I should aim for somewhere that can afford to hurt a little more.*

Anyway, that was roughly the state I was in.

The slightest tension in my thigh muscle brought tears to my eyes.

The pain didn't even fade with painkillers.

Of course, it was only one thigh that was injured.

It wasn't as though I'd completely lost the ability to move.

As long as I could bear the pain, I could manage well enough on my own.

So, once the commotion caused by Arishia and Yubina had settled down —

I fitted myself with crutches and went straight to find the Commander.

Sepia had told me he still hadn't regained consciousness.

But I had business with him and his bedroom, for a number of reasons.

"Leila! You're up! What brings you here?"

"I came to check on the Commander's condition."

"He still hasn't regained consciousness, though…."

"Would it be all right if I just took a quick look at his face?"

"Hmm, if it's just a look…."

I asked the medical unit member who had been tending to the Commander for permission.

Normally, letting visitors in to see a patient so casually wouldn't be allowed.

But I suppose my reputation was good enough that it wasn't an issue.

As expected, a kind and diligent lovely girl is absolutely unbeatable.

"Arishia, Yubina. Please wait outside, you two."

"Okay."

"Oh, understood-sawa!"

After shooing away the two deadweights who had inexplicably followed me —

I stepped alone into the bedroom where he lay sleeping.

Then I gazed quietly down at the Commander, who had yet to wake.

*He's alive and well.*

The last I'd seen of him, he'd been gravely wounded with his back torn open.

But lying in the bed, his face looked rather peaceful.

Treatment was apparently all finished; he simply hadn't woken up yet.

He'd thrown my entire plan into disarray.

He'd gone and clasped a dog collar around my neck, the petty wretch.

And now he was sleeping away without a care in the world. I found it deeply irritating.

"How annoying…."

Leaning on my crutch, I reached out and touched the Commander's throat.

What was he thinking, lying there so completely defenseless?

What if someone with ill intentions decided to do him harm?

His skin felt slightly rough — he probably didn't take great care of it.

If I pressed my finger in right now, I wondered if it would make a hole in his throat.

But the moment I tried to put force into my hand, that unpleasant sensation came again.

*…As I thought. I can't kill him.*

Well, to be precise — I could kill him.

But I had a premonition that the Stigma contract would sever the instant I did.

And what would happen if the contract severed?

I couldn't be certain of the outcome yet.

But it felt like I would no longer be able to follow along with the Regression.

Which would leave me as nothing more than the Valkyrie who murdered the Commander —

treated as a Valkyrie with a broken mind, and disposed of before long.

And I would probably never be able to turn back time again.

"Terrible."

*Haah.* I suppose I should give up on killing him directly.

Better to start thinking about what to do from here on out.

I abandoned the idea of harming the Commander entirely.

I glanced around quickly. Not a single pair of eyes on me.

Confirming that, I moved on my crutch and stopped in front of the wardrobe.

Then I reached out and fed an electric current into the hidden camera.

The Leila Network required electricity from my unique ability, after all.

Since I'd come all the way to the bedroom, I intended to recharge the depleted electricity while I was at it.

*Done. Control fully established.*

With that, the purpose for which I'd bothered coming to the bedroom was complete.

My business was finished, so I could leave right away — but.

I went to the trouble of lowering myself with a grunt into the nearby chair.

It hadn't even been two minutes since I'd come in.

I'd stay sitting quietly for about ten minutes, then leave.

With that thought, I passed the time gazing out the window.

And just as I was thinking it was about time to go —

The Commander, who had been lying still, began to stir.

"Mmm…."

"Wha—"

W-what. He's waking up now, all of a sudden?

I was genuinely flustered by the unexpected turn of events.

He slowly lifted his eyelids and came awake.

Still half-asleep, the Commander sat up and looked around — then fixed his gaze on me sitting in the chair and murmured in bewilderment.

"Leila…?"

"…You're awake. Commander."

"Why are you in a patient's gown…."

"You're wearing one too, Commander."

As he said, I was currently dressed in a patient's gown.

A loose, pajama-like garment, pure white.

Paired with bandages tied here and there, it gave me a rather delicate, sickly air.

The Commander blinked, still seeming to lack a grip on reality.

Then, as though he'd pieced the situation together, he pressed a hand to his forehead and spoke.

"How long… has it been?"

"It's eleven in the morning now. We fought the Erosion Species last night, so… you've been asleep for about thirteen hours."

"Which means…."

"Everything was resolved safely."

At my answer, the tension drained out of the Commander all at once.

He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fist —

because he had never once overcome Midir before.

It seemed to stir all manner of emotions in him.

But watching that, I felt something boil up inside me.

I had just been telling myself it couldn't be helped and resigning myself to it —

but seeing that expression of joy, I simply couldn't hold back.

I pushed myself up from the chair with my crutch.

And as I approached him, I spoke with a distinctly cold edge.

"Commander. May I say one thing?"

"Y-yes? What… is it?"

"Just what on earth were you thinking, doing something so foolish?"

I threw aside one crutch and grabbed him by the collar.

This was about half performance, half genuine feeling from Leila.

I was truly, truly angry. Even thinking about it now, the fury welled up.

"W-well…."

"Don't make me laugh! Who gave you the right to sacrifice yourself like that?! Do you have any idea how shocked I was?! I thought you were going to die — I was so frightened…."

"Leila…."

I half-perched on the edge of the bed and glared at him.

Naturally, a ridiculous wave of pain surged from my thigh —

but thanks to triggering Runner's High through Trance, it was bearable enough.

The Commander's expression darkened at my outburst.

Well, of course — thinking back on the character Leila had shown him up to now,

he would know she was the type to grieve deeply over another's sacrifice.

He was probably feeling guilty for having caused me this much distress.

*Good. I'll press him hard psychologically right here, and make sure he can never do the same thing again. It's a real headache every time he throws himself into harm's way like this.*

I intended to use this opportunity to corner him mentally.

To shatter him thoroughly, so he could never sacrifice himself for me again.

Honestly, he'd gotten in my way that badly.

I deserved to get at least this much back.

Did he have any idea how hard I'd worked to prepare for this?

Besides — even if I died, I'd just Regress.

It wasn't as though he'd thrown himself in trusting in that. He had no right to feel righteous about it either.

And so, just as I was manufacturing tears with Sentiment and moving to drive the Commander to the psychological edge —

The Commander's expression went rigid, and he abruptly talked back.

"And what about you, Leila."

"…Pardon?"

"You weren't planning to survive either, were you. Back then."

A jolt.

My shoulder flinched visibly as he struck directly at the mark.

That was… true. But how did he… know?

No — thinking about it, it made sense that he'd noticed.

I had repeated the act of sacrificing my life for him three times already.

In that moment, he had read my actions completely.

Genuinely caught off guard, I was briefly at a loss for words —

but I quickly rallied and countered with the kind of answer Leila would give.

"I'm different from you, Commander. I'm a Valkyrie. A weapon that gives its life for humanity. Giving my life for the Commander is only natural."

"I don't want to think of Leila as a mere weapon. I have thought of you as someone precious up until now, and I will continue to do so."

"Ugh, that kind of thing—!"

"I want Leila to not die."

The Commander gripped my shoulders and answered with complete sincerity.

Wait — wasn't this practically a confession?

But looking at his eyes, I didn't sense any particular romantic feeling.

It was simply the sense that the existence called Leila was precious to him… or something like that.

I couldn't quite get a read on what emotion it was.

If it had been romantic feelings or physical desire, I could at least have understood it.

It was a sensibility I found genuinely difficult to comprehend.

*…I'm not sure how to respond to this.*

Perhaps because his reaction had exceeded my expectations somewhat.

My mind went completely blank as to how I should answer.

I had only been planning to crush him under guilt and a sense of wrongdoing.

How was I supposed to break through something like this?

I floundered, unable to meet the Commander's gaze directly —

and then a not-bad idea drifted through my mind.

What if I gave up on breaking him here, and saved this for the next opportunity instead?

"Wh-wh… what? You… p-precious?"

"Yes. You are someone precious to me, Leila."

"Eek?! Th-th-that's, um, that's a problem, that is…!"

I used Sentiment to accelerate the blood flow to my face.

And having completely erased the sharp atmosphere of a moment ago —

I stumbled over my words as though I'd received an unexpected confession.

Slowly letting this moment sink in, so he could piece together the reason on his own.

I subtly hinted at the existence of Leila's romance route.

But perhaps the Commander had the aptitude of an oblivious protagonist.

Even at my blatant behavior, he tilted his head and asked back in puzzlement.

"Why is it a problem?"

"W-well, a Valkyrie and a Commander are…. You see…. That is to say…. Forbidden…."

Of course, I had no intention of seducing him outright here.

I had been keeping a wall between us throughout this loop, after all.

It was enough, for now, for Leila to have become aware of her own feelings. That much would do.

Being too easy would diminish the appeal a little.

My eyes growing moist, I hunched my shoulders and dropped my head.

Then, staring at the floor, I fumbled to pick up my crutch.

"I-I'll, be going now! I hope you make a full recovery!"

"Yes. You as well, Leila…."

The Commander seemed flustered by my sudden change in demeanor.

He simply saw me off without any particular suspicion.

He appeared to have concluded that my flushed face was a sign my condition had worsened.

And so, leaning on my crutch, I hurried out of the bedroom —

then quietly thought to myself, having erased the expression Sentiment had crafted.

*Good. This time around… I'll try dying while I'm the Commander's lover.*

I would make him pay for this humiliation without fail.

I looked up at the ceiling and made that resolution.