It was a clear day without a single cloud in the sky.
As we'd discussed the day before, we decided to go out and have a meal together.
"What if someone sees us?"
"I-I already sent the servants away ahead of time…
A-and the carriage is prepared in the back…"
While helping me get ready, Iris seemed unchanged.
When we met again in the room, she'd returned to her shy demeanor.
"D-don't move… Stay still…"
Because my hands were still trembling, I left the shaving to Iris.
I took off my shirt, and she brought a basin of water as we stood before the mirror together.
Iris gripped my chin and carefully brought the razor to the surface of my skin.
I watched her expression reflected in the mirror.
She seemed a bit tense, perhaps because she was attempting something she'd never done before.
Or maybe she simply didn't want to hurt me.
"D-does it hurt…?"
"Just scrape it off like that."
"O-okay… Tell me if it hurts, okay…?"
The sharp razor passed over the lather several times.
Slowly across my nose bridge and chin, then down to my neck.
Her hands, turning my face this way and that, trembled slightly—not as much as mine, but still.
As I watched Iris concentrating while supporting my neck, I thought:
If Iris wanted to, she could take my life right now.
Plunging that blade deep into my throat.
Perhaps that's what I want most.
To end this wretched life of mine that's decided to cling to her like a parasite.
As if my wish had come true, the white lather on my neck turned slightly red.
But the wound the blade made was too insignificant to bring death.
"A-ah…! S-sorry, did it hurt…?"
"It's fine. This happens often even when I do it myself."
I said, covering the wound that was smaller than half a fingernail.
When Iris started fumbling for medicine, I grabbed her arm.
"It doesn't hurt. Look, it's not even bleeding."
"B-but still…"
"I'm hungry, so let's hurry."
"O-okay…"
But despite her answer, Iris didn't move, as if rooted to the spot.
I shook the arm I was holding slightly.
"Unnie?"
"L-let go…"
Iris's face was flushed red as she tried to pull away the arm I was holding.
There wasn't much strength in her arm.
She was shyly covering her mouth with the back of her hand.
"…The person who was just touching my face is embarrassed by this?"
"H-holding hands is different from touching your face…
A-Ain… You're not even wearing a shirt…"
"Just yesterday we had our foreheads pressed together."
"T-that was to check your fever…"
I slid my hand down Iris's arm, past her wrist, and grasped her fingers.
I slipped my fingers into her hand and pressed our sweaty palms together.
With our fingers interlaced, I pulled Iris closer while she still covered her face.
"Don't you like it?"
"U-uuh…"
A small moan escaped from behind the hand covering her mouth, her face flushed red to her ears.
Why did I think this expression was just shyness before?
I let go of her hand and moved away the hand covering Iris's mouth.
Her bitten lips trembled slightly, curled upward.
"You like it though."
"I-I don't know…"
If I moved my face a bit closer and stole her lips, what would Iris do?
There might be some resistance close to a tantrum.
But probably after just a moment, she'd cling to me happily.
If I held Iris like that and completely took her into my grasp.
If I made her pant beneath me, this girl I don't even love.
If I gave this half-broken body to repay the love she promised to give me.
Iris would be satisfied, and I might feel fulfilled from satisfying her.
"…Let's go."
"H-huh? O-okay…"
I forcibly dismissed those gigolo-like thoughts and moved away from the mirror to get dressed.
Iris was still touching her upturned lips with her finger.
Watching that purely happy expression, I realized my self-loathing had grown.
.
.
.
Inside the carriage with Iris, we sat facing each other without conversation.
She wore a white dress with a small bag on her lap.
I was only conscious of the occasional glances Iris threw my way.
The outdoor clothes Iris prepared for me felt a bit stifling.
Having lain in bed for so long, I wasn't used to the daytime sun either.
Even after sitting in the restaurant and ordering food, the discomfort didn't subside.
This was the restaurant I'd visited with Iris in my previous life.
As I stared blankly at the river flowing past the window, Iris spoke to me.
"W-what do you want to eat, Ain…?"
"Same as you."
"T-then steak… Is that okay…?"
I just nodded with my chin propped up.
A moment later, I came to my senses only after watching Iris personally cut the meat on my plate with a fork and knife.
"It's fine. I'll do it."
"I-it's okay…"
Iris glanced at my empty sleeve once and said with a slight smile.
Come to think of it, I can't even cut it myself.
I should have ordered something else.
Unlike our last visit, the restaurant interior wasn't quiet.
Perhaps it was the Academy's day off—I noticed several young men and women who looked my age.
Among them, two people at a table were looking our way.
Judging by the several bottles of alcohol beside them, they'd been drinking heavily since early.
I could hear the two men whispering without trying to hide it.
"Keke... Mommy... I have no arm... Cut it for me..."
"Pfft... Keep it down..."
"I can't do this... I can't see because I have no eyes either..."
"Kik... Crazy bastard…"
"The crazy one is the illegitimate child... with his own sister..."
"They can hear you, idiot... Pfft..."
On the plate Iris offered me was meat cut into uniform pieces.
She seemed not to have heard the series of mockery directed at us—or more precisely, at me.
I picked up the knife beside the plate and stood up.
"A-Ain?"
"Sorry in advance."
I approached them quickly with the knife hidden behind my back.
"Hey... Hey, he's coming?"
"Ignore him. What's he gonna do? Getting scared of a cripple..."
—Thwack
Before the man sitting on the right could finish speaking, I brought down the knife I was holding onto his hand on the table.
The tablecloth under his hand began to stain with dark red blood.
"Hyaaaaaaah!"
"You're having an interesting conversation. Mind if I join in?"
"What the..."
—Bang!
With the owner of the hand pinned to the kicked table, bottles and plates rolled on the floor.
I snatched a napkin still floating in the air.
"I said let me join. Don't be so uptight."
"A-are you crazy? In front of everyone..."
I shoved two fingers into the still-standing man's open mouth.
I grabbed his slippery tongue with my napkin-wrapped fingers.
"Urk..."
"Look, if we've talked this much, I can call you friend now, right?"
The man with his tongue caught was dragged along every time I stepped back.
I pulled him around the center of the restaurant in a circle, continuing to speak.
"I'm sad my friend doesn't seem to know me well.
Maybe if I pull this out, we can understand each other more deeply."
I looked down at the kneeling man as I gripped his tongue with my fingers.
Tears I had no sympathy for flowed down the man's face.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around.
It was Iris with the sharp gaze she wore in front of others.
However, that gaze was directed not at me, but at the man kneeling before me.
I pulled my hand from the man's mouth and wiped the saliva on the tablecloth.
Iris passed by me and stood before the gasping man, opening her mouth.
"Lift your head and look here."
"Even if you apologize, it's already too late... This matter will definitely..."
—Smack
Before the man could even register it, Iris had slapped his cheek.
—Smack
Iris bent her knees and struck the other cheek, then said quietly to the man.
"Some worthless nobody who doesn't even know his place.
Apologize…? Just be grateful you're still clinging to life.
Take your boyfriend lying on the floor and get out of here right now.
Before you die by my hand instead of my brother's."
The pressure from Iris's voice alone was enough.
The man left the restaurant without a word, supporting his companion.
I stared at the floor scattered with dishes, unable to look at Iris.
A moment later, she grabbed my arm after offering a few gold coins and an apology to the restaurant as compensation.
"A-are you hurt…? Let me see your hand…"
"I'm fine. Sorry, it bothered me."
"N-no… Why are you apologizing, Ain…? H-how do you feel…?"
"Not bad. But I'm not in the mood to eat."
Iris tried to grab my still-dirty hand.
"T-then let's at least go to a café… It'd be a shame to go back like this…"
"…Okay."
I couldn't bring myself to tell Iris, who didn't even scold me for providing the worst date, that we should go home.
We headed to a nearby café terrace.
Iris ordered cookies and chamomile tea, while I ordered coffee.
I considered drinking alcohol but quickly gave up since I had company.
As I sat silently sipping hot coffee, a cookie was pushed into my mouth.
She must be worried since I hadn't touched any food.
Iris smiled slightly as she watched me accept the cookie.
It feels like chewing food waste.
That smile pierces my lungs.
To think I'm exploiting the goodwill that someone I've been closest to my entire life—not some stranger—holds for me.
"You're not asking why I did that."
"Y-yeah…"
"When we were young, you'd ask for reasons and scold me when I caused trouble."
Iris took out a cigar from the bag she was holding.
She cut the cigar, put it in my mouth, and even lit it for me before speaking.
"I-it doesn't matter… Even if there's no reason…
I-I promised to be on Ain's side…"
"……"
I should thank her, but my mouth won't open.
With the cigar in my mouth, I stared at my reflection in the pitch-black liquid in the cup.
Was Ain always this ugly?
I killed time waving away the cigar smoke blurring my vision.
While trying not to be conscious of Iris sitting beside me, her hand resting on my thigh.
I carefully scanned the crowd passing in front of the café, wondering if there was anyone as disgusting as me.
…I should have just stared at the ground.
Among the throng of people, I saw a face as clear as the weather.
A nun holding rationed bread in a bag, munching on one of them.
Only after staring as if entranced did I notice Mace walking toward me without hesitation.