I found a reason to attend the Academy.
Though all I do is show up around lunchtime and sit through one class.
I enter the lecture building, avoiding the conspicuous path in front of the main hall.
Max's gang, who used to cling to me excitedly, seems to have taken my warning to heart—they're nowhere to be seen.
So really, I'm just avoiding Giselle and Iris, in case I run into them.
Divinity Studies class is usually just Mace and me.
Even the auditing student who was so focused on taking notes until last time doesn't show up today.
I brought along a notebook and pen that had been gathering dust in the corner of my desk drawer at home.
I still haven't developed much interest in Divinity Studies itself, but it feels wrong to just come here and sleep.
"So Blessings don't need circuits?"
"Instead, they require a specific energy called Aura, or Chakra as it's known in the East. The training methods to cultivate this are called Meditation, Spiritual Practice, or Sacred Reading..."
"I shouldn't have asked."
I throw out questions whenever they pop into my head, even trivial ones.
Each time, Mace lights up and eagerly explains.
Honestly, her explanations are like reading scripture to a cow's ear, or a blind man touching an elephant.
Would she be disappointed if I told her I only ask questions to see her happy expression?
Her high-pitched voice fills the quiet classroom.
Transparent windows full of warm afternoon sunlight.
The drowsy air, and occasionally the sound of my pen scratching notes—I enjoy this time.
For the first time, I think it's fortunate that the arm I lost wasn't my dominant one.
That modest thrill of grasping principles unique to this world, different from reality, which I felt before experiencing war—
It's revived, just a little.
We rarely part ways immediately after class ends.
I buy Mace, who doesn't have a penny, a meal at the Academy cafeteria, or we continue chatting about nothing in particular.
Usually Mace rambles on while I just listen, smoking a cigarette.
Sometimes I lie on a chair in the prayer room, taking a nap while listening to Mace hum nameless songs.
On those days, I can sleep deeply without nightmares, even without alcohol.
But right now, Mace has been going on for over five minutes about how the steak she ate at the cafeteria must be the most delicious food in the world.
*Knock knock*
Perhaps the first knock ever on the prayer room door.
Both Mace and I just sit there, dumbfounded by the unfamiliar sound.
Through the crack of the opening door, Iris reveals herself.
Iris looks at my face with her usual stupid expression, then quickly switches to her business mode when her gaze lands on Mace sitting beside me.
"Excuse me. I'm Iris Magnolia, Treasurer of the Student Council."
Iris says this while bowing toward Mace.
Mace stands there somewhat awkwardly, unfamiliar with such formality.
That stiff gesture of Iris's is always so fake.
Though everyone else falls for it.
"Oh, you have the same surname as Ain. Are you family?"
"She's my Unnie. For now."
An Unnie with maybe a few months left on her expiration date.
Mace tilts her head at my cryptic answer.
"I stopped by because I have business with my brother.
I'd like to speak with him alone."
"Yes. Please talk comfortably. I'll step outside!"
I grab Mace's wrist as she tries to leave the prayer room and sit her back down.
It may be a cramped, dusty space, but it's still a place the Academy assigned to Mace.
It's absurd for guests to occupy it after chasing out the owner.
"I'll be right back."
I already know perfectly well why she came.
I stub out my cigarette in the portable ashtray I keep in my pocket and step outside the prayer room.
Iris, who followed me out, immediately relaxes once we're alone, as usual.
"How did you know I was here?"
I went out of my way to take the long route to avoid this situation.
Iris always finds me precisely, no matter where I am.
They probably assigned someone from the family to keep tabs on me.
Iris just mumbles without answering.
I cut to the chase before I die of frustration.
She must have come to ask me to reconsider the proposal from last time at the cafeteria.
"I told you. It's not happening."
"B-but... Ain..."
Iris trails off, fidgeting with her uniform sleeve.
"U-Unnie already finished talking with Father...
I-if Ain just comes to the manor..."
"I said no, Iris. Absolutely not."
If I'm not firm here, she'll cling to me at every opportunity.
Iris stares at me blankly after hearing my answer.
Eyes the same color as mine begin to tremble slowly.
Unable to tear that gaze from my face for a long while, Iris opens her mouth.
"I-I don't like that way of addressing me... Ain..."
"Too bad. You'll be hearing it often from now on.
That's the only way I'll address you. Iris Magnolia."
I've finally made a place to wander besides the tavern in the alley and my empty house.
It means I don't need to crawl between legs, receiving that shitty treatment from the family.
Even if it weren't for Mace, I wouldn't have returned to that manor worse than a garbage dump anyway.
Iris seems more shocked at being called by her name than at the rejection of her proposal.
Come to think of it, even in my previous life, I used to call her Unnie right away.
After regressing, I avoided running into her as much as possible, so I didn't realize.
Iris stares at the floor with a more tearful face than usual.
Watching her still-fidgeting hands, I think there was a time when I held those hands and walked around town.
And as always, I recall that day when Iris pushed me away, that day when she no longer held the hand I offered and turned her back.
She who never came to see me even once after I was completely disowned, until I died.
"Y-you get along well with the Nun..."
"She treats me well. Even without that wretched magnolia crest on my shoulder."
"U-Unnie too... you don't have to avoid me so much..."
I hoped we could distance ourselves enough to live without seeing each other's faces, if not treat each other like Max.
Preferably until the end of my remaining life.
Because only memories I don't want to recall would resurface.
"Sure. We can get along just fine.
Then I can quietly get stabbed in the back as soon as I'm kicked out of the family. Right?"
"Th-that's not..."
"Can you really say it's not?"
Without waiting for an answer, I pull out a cigarette and put it in my mouth.
This time Iris doesn't light it for me.
As I strike a match against the wall of the corridor where only the two of us stand, I finally hear Iris's small voice.
However, the dying voice carries a stronger tone than what she usually shows in front of me.
"...B-but I'll still be your Unnie."
Small tears well up in Iris's eyes.
This is why I didn't want to run into her.
Regardless of my will, Ain's body aches in the chest whenever it sees this.
I wear a sneer along with the cigarette smoke.
I just need to say it as gently as possible, but poisonous enough.
"I wonder how many months are left until we stop playing family."
"P-playing? No. Did you think of it that way, Ain...?"
"Well, we only share half our blood anyway.
Let's see. Different hair color, different treatment from the family.
Oh, we have the same eye color. Though now only half remains, like the blood we share."
There's no need to feel guilty.
Once I'm kicked out of the family anyway, the true nature of the feelings Iris held for me will be laid bare.
Think of it as a preventive shot.
A preventive shot that only hurts a little beforehand, before it really hurts.
So even as Iris covers her face with her hands to block the soundlessly flowing tears, even that sight of her clutching her eyes—I can face it without looking away.
I must not turn my gaze away. I don't want to avoid the wound I inflicted.
I never, never want to become someone who evades the consequences of their actions, like Iris and those bastards above her in the family.
Even if it's long past time to be a proper human being.
I must not wipe away those tears with my own hand.
I must not think pitifully of that sight of her biting her lips so her crying won't be heard.
Watching her white uniform sleeve gradually turn transparent, I must not feel sympathy.
'Fuck, this is way harder than chasing Giselle away.'
It would be better to see her expressionless no matter what I say, or trapped in the prettily decorated garden in her head, wearing only that creepy smile.
Being a false villain is better than being a hypocrite, but the former is harder to perform than the latter.
Iris looks at my face again as I silently puff on my cigarette.
Iris speaks to me more haltingly than usual.
"I-if you need anything, you can tell me anytime...
T-today... I'll pretend it didn't happen..."
"It won't be anytime."
In a few months, we'll be complete strangers even if I don't want it.
"N-no. It is anytime...
I-I can't stop being your Unnie..."
"You can stop. I'd actually prefer if you did."
I answer Iris while throwing my cigarette on the floor.
I bought the portable ashtray because I didn't want to dirty the classroom or prayer room.
The corridor isn't my concern. I put them out carelessly at home too.
Would Iris understand better if I gave her a minimal explanation?
Mentioning regression would just get me treated as a lunatic and locked up in an asylum.
I hear the facilities are more terrible than prison.
"The brother Unnie knew is dead. It'll be easier on your heart if you think he died on the battlefield.
I hope we won't have to see each other from now on."
"B-but... A-Ain is alive..."
When I called her Unnie, Iris's face brightened a little.
She reaches for my remaining arm, so I step back.
"Thank you for looking after me all this time. I mean that sincerely.
But with this body, I'm too busy just looking after what I really need.
Not just at the Academy. Wherever we meet from now on, I hope you'll pretend not to know me."
"Th-there's nothing more necessary than family... N-not even as much as the Nun...?"
"No. What I need right now is Mace."
At that moment, my eyes meet Mace's as she peeks her head out through the crack of the prayer room door.
Iris doesn't seem to notice. She's too busy crying.
Mace's eyes widen as if finding this interesting, then she quickly pulls her head back inside the prayer room and quietly closes the door.
How long has she been watching? I want to die of embarrassment.
She probably heard what I just said too.
I should have known from when she was good at stealing.
That Nun has a yellow streak.
"Y-you call her by name... I-if that's what it means, you can call me too..."
"I'm leaving."
Unlike calling Mace by name, it means I no longer want to think of you as family.
But I don't bother explaining.
"L-like I said earlier... y-you can come find me anytime..."
I head toward the prayer room, hoping this truly will be the last time.
Behind me, Iris starts crying out loud as soon as I'm out of sight.
Please, let that crying not be heard inside the prayer room.