The dawn light filtering through the pillow tickles my eyes.
In the end, I didn't sleep a wink all night.
I spent the whole time pacing around the room like a madman with my eyes wide open, then repeatedly collapsing onto the bed.
Insomnia is more hellish than nightmares.
And for the record, I just ran out of cigarettes too.
Misfortune always comes crashing down all at once, like falling dominoes.
First things first, I need to sleep right now.
In this state where my head won't clear, everything I do will be hell.
I went to the sink to wash my face, then smashed the mirror as I always do.
—Crash
My reflection is no longer unclear.
It's been destroyed so thoroughly that not even a shape remains.
Looking at the shattered mirror pieces, broken beyond recognition of any features, I calmed down a little.
'Alcohol, let's drink first. No wait, I should stop by the general store for cigarettes first....'
The sun rises quickly because of the season.
Transparent sunlight passing through the window gradually fills the room.
Looking at that light—the very light I used to avoid even touching my body—I finally thought of Mace.
I carelessly shove my body into the uniform I pulled from the closet.
A button falls from the torn seam and rolls across the floor.
As I bend down to pick up the button, I realize while smelling the air beneath me.
...I forgot to open the window.
The moment I lifted my face from the pillow, I noticed the lily scent stabbing through my nose.
All my motivation evaporated in an instant.
Should I just go hang myself right now?
But I'd have to go outside to buy rope.
And thinking about that dull knife just makes me want to curse.
I lay on the bed in my uniform and stared at the ceiling for a long while.
Looking at the rotted, crumbling plank in one corner calms my mind.
So now you're replacing the mirror.
No, wait. I can kill myself anytime.
It's not too late to die after trying everything within reach, whether it turns to porridge or rice.
Too lazy to open the door properly, I kicked it open and came outside.
The cold wind that felt so pleasant until I came home yesterday now only feels unpleasant, reminding me of Giselle's body temperature.
It's still early, so I don't see any students heading to the Academy.
Without borrowing cigarettes or alcohol, the walk feels endlessly long.
My body screams that it needs sleep, but my mind is clear, so my steps stagger.
After walking for quite a while, I finally arrived at the annex where the prayer room is located.
With no one around, the annex is quieter than usual, echoing only with my footsteps.
If anyone saw me now, they'd surely think I'm the same type as the beggars under the bridge.
The person I glimpsed briefly at the sink had bulging veins and sunken eyes.
I passed through the empty classrooms with languid movements.
I see glass shining in diverse colors like crayons.
That place where the stained glass sparkles must be the prayer room.
I opened the door with its rounded arch at the top.
Without knocking or greeting, through the door that swung open, I see the interior of the prayer room—even more shabby than I remembered.
But Mace's figure is nowhere to be seen inside the prayer room.
Only a cross in a slightly different form than I know, a cross in the same shape as the one hanging around Mace's neck, hangs alone in the center as if mocking me.
Emptiness immediately tries to swallow me, so I slumped down onto the long bench in front of me.
Right next to me, Mace in pajamas was snoring, fast asleep.
"Ha...."
Even nonexistent faith wants to spring to life.
What else would you call someone who reaches out a hand when you need salvation but a savior?
I shook the shoulder of Mace, who lay covered with a single thin blanket, wearing an expression like she'd reached paradise.
"...Eh."
"Air raid alert!! Air raid alert!!"
"Waaaaaaah!! Total military mobilization!!!"
Mace bolted upright screaming, then looked at me with a dazed expression.
Her eyes, still not fully awake, were clouded.
"A dream...?"
"Unfortunately, it's reality."
"What time is it now...."
Mace said while wiping the drool from her mouth.
I rubbed the part she missed with my finger as I answered.
She smells like a puppy. Maybe she resembles a dog more than a bird.
"I don't know. But it's probably around dawn."
"Ain...? Uh... it's way too early for nap time...."
I leaned deeper into the chair.
The tension that had been stiffly wrapping my entire body melted away in an instant.
"If I sleep like this until evening, wouldn't that be a nap?"
"That's unreasonable...."
"The nun told me not to be late, so I just came a little early."
"That's not a little...."
Mace keeps rubbing her eyes, trying to wake up.
I removed her hands from her eyes.
"Sorry for waking you. You can go back to sleep.
Just, will you let me sleep here? I don't think I can possibly go to class."
"Eh.... That's fine but...."
My face fills Mace's blue eyes completely.
Her clouded eyes clear instantly, then she makes an expression of shock.
"Your complexion, why, why is it like that...?"
"I didn't sleep a wink. I feel like I'm dying."
"Your eyes, they've become similar to that person receiving a Blessing under the bridge yesterday...."
"Say whatever you want. I'm going to sleep right now."
I flopped down right next to Mace without even taking off my shoes.
This is the first time I've had a sleeping place more wretched than my own bed.
Even a tent set up on a battlefield would probably offer better sleep than this.
But my eyes already begin to close drowsily.
These eyelids that don't budge even after pouring several bottles of alcohol down my throat.
It's been so long since I've slept from morning without the smell of cigarettes or alcohol.
.
.
.
I didn't dream.
When I woke up, the picture in the stained glass entered my vision more clearly than before.
So that was Assumptio.
It seems the religion of this world also has myths about the Assumption of Mary.
'Well, it's just a worldview created by people anyway. It would naturally resemble reality.'
I'm not deeply versed in religion, but I have visited parishes a few times following Iris.
Watching the clergy, I wondered why they would go through such hardship on purpose.
I thought maybe they were atoning for heinous crimes too terrible to speak of in their past lives.
And at some point, Mace, now changed into her nun's habit, was giving me a lap pillow as if it were natural, humming a song.
This person must have sold out her country in a past life.
Seeing how she's suffering like this for me, whom she just met yesterday.
"...How long did I sleep?"
Opening my mouth without water or alcohol, my throat cracks like a wasteland.
My mind is also clearer than usual, which feels a bit unfamiliar.
However, thanks to the thighs softly touching the back of my head, overall it's not particularly painful.
Mace looked down at me, and without stopping her song, bent a few fingers on both hands.
"...Six hours?"
Mace just smiled with her eyes and kept humming.
Perhaps because of the prayer room's poor soundproofing, I can even hear the few students passing by outside.
"Class is...."
"I submitted a leave of absence!"
"You're crazy...."
It was a wonderful answer that made my drowsiness vanish instantly.
"You haven't been doing this the whole time, have you...?"
"Come on, Ain, there's no way I would."
At least that's a relief. I absolutely hate owing debts I can't repay.
What I've received so far is already a great kindness, but still, as long as I haven't completely wasted someone else's precious day....
"Only about five hours have passed.
I needed time to write the leave form, wash up, and change clothes!"
"Sigh..."
I'll just die later, so let me try to relax a bit for now.
Right now, I'll just fully enjoy the sensation of Mace's lap pillow.
"...Yesterday, it seems your evening plans didn't go as expected."
She seems to remember me saying I was going to the tavern.
If I had just holed up in the tavern, Mace would be attending class normally right now.
Thinking about the lingering scent that must remain at home makes my head ache again.
"I made the worst choice.
I keenly felt that things you don't normally do should never be done."
"That's a bit hurtful. Coming to Divinity Studies class must have also been something you don't normally do, Ain."
"I didn't mean it that way...."
Mace smiles and gently pinches my cheek.
The warmth touching my dried skin washes away the chill I must have felt yesterday.
With the alcohol completely gone, all my body's sensations are excessively vivid.
"If you're uncomfortable, shall I give you Confession?
We only have a makeshift confessional though."
Mace said this while pointing with her fingertip to a box covered with cloth scraps in the corner of the prayer room.
It's smaller than the bathroom in my cramped room.
I doubt two people could fit inside.
"Ain will go in, and I'll listen from outside."
It's not a frivolous expression, but the expression she makes when she wants me not to let go.
Looking now, she seems to resemble the picture drawn in the stained glass a little.
She's still looking down at me lying with my head on her lap, like reading an open book.
"...I have no sins to confess. Surprisingly, I'm not a sinner."
"Actually, it's just counseling. Confession is just a fancy way of putting it."
Can those words really come from a nun's mouth?
My doubts about Mace's faith deepened further.
"...Then, will you make me just one promise?"
"Tell me anything."
"When I come out of the confessional, absolutely. Absolutely don't treat me while recalling what I said."
"Yes. I promise. Shall we start right away?"
I got up from Mace's lap and slowly walked into the confessional—just a box.
The musty air is quite familiar.
The chair is covered in hazy dust, as if I'm the first person to use it.
I roughly dusted off the chair with my hand and sat down.
Judging by the creaking sound, it might have collapsed if someone even slightly heavier than me had entered.
Through the worn cloth, I glimpse Mace making the sign of the cross.
Shouldn't confessions be completely concealed?
I just decided to keep my mind as relaxed as possible, like before.
Rather, that looseness might peel away the shell covering my heart.
"I ask you. Have you ever made a confession before?"
Still a voice like a bird chirping, but tinged with a bit of strictness.
Probably part of the procedure.
"Not even once."
I matched Mace's rhythm.
I'm more confident than anyone with strict attitudes, having seen them all day at the manor.
Mace maintains silence. The interior of the prayer room is quiet.
I suppose I just need to talk about my 'sins' like this.
In my case, it's just unburdening counseling material though.
"...I met someone who abandoned me, Ain Magnolia.
Yesterday, at my house. No, from in front of the Academy."
Mace still remains quiet without answering.
She's just holding both hands together in front of her chest.
I continued speaking. I started spitting out whatever came to mind.
"I was abandoned. I was abandoned without knowing any reason.
I was driven out. I was driven out without hearing any words.
I collapsed at their feet and begged to be taken back. Only cold contempt returned."
"What did you feel?"
Mace's answer finally came back.
However, it's the attitude I know well—not judging, just asking.
"I wanted to cry, but here. This place dried up."
I said while tapping my chest.
No sound came from my empty chest.
"Only anger remains for me.
Purposeless anger only drives me into a pit I don't know."
"But Ain. You're crying."
Something flows down my cheek.
The weather outside must be clearer than yesterday.
Nothing should be coming in through the intact ceiling.
"Among those who abandoned me, I met the person who held the greatest position for me.
They still didn't tell me any reason.
It felt like talking to a wall, but at least a wall would break if you struck it...."
My voice gradually breaks.
That damn speech habit of Iris's has infected me again.
This must be like a hereditary disease.
"Was what I, what I wanted, such a great sin that I shouldn't have wanted it? Sister."
"No, Ain. It's not."
Mace's hand crosses through the cloth and strokes my wet face.
"That lingering trace, that smell, that scent torments me, torments me regardless of my will."
"It must have been agonizing."
"That pain, tramples over every moment of my life."
"It must have been painful."
Now I can admit it. I was sobbing.
While dirtying Mace's hand with tears murkier than my filth.
I ended up crying, leaning on that hand that just silently listened to my words.